I knew Martin Smythe. Not in the biblical sense. That would have been vile. And he was anti-vile. He was also anti-bile. He had had his gall bladder removed. He was philosophically and physically without gall.

In those days he called himself Cholmandsley-Ffawkes-de White, but I recognised him by his intellectual prowess and essential anti-vileness.

He understood the ying and yang of the universe.

For everything there is an equal and opposite something.

He pondered long and hard over his enemies advantages and how they could be nullified for the powers of Good. He reasoned that if Ingel Brankel could develop an Adversative Particle Drive, so he should be able to create an equally powerful Versative Drive.

He studied particle theory in his search for an attracting power. He studied magnetism, but found it too weak. He contemplated opposites, but found they more frequently fought than attracted. Finally, using the genius with which he was endowered, he began to study blondes.

He collected their DNA, and identified the genome haploid that was larger than in brunettes. He called this the A chromosome and the inflated member of it the DB or “Down Boy” gene.

He now pursued the super attractive gene, contained only in the DNA of super attractive blondes. This period of his research was delayed by a number of court cases, the avoidance of a cluster of AVOs ( Apprehended Violence Orders ) and a short custodial rest for stalking.

Finally, under the guise of pseudo scientific surrealism, he obtained the DNAs he sought from the most beautiful blondes in the world, separated their DB gene and duplicated it.

Then, to test his hypothesis, he purchased a small tropical island, populated it with blondes and injected them with his synthesised serum. This phase of his research made Cholmandsley-Ffawkes-de White ( nee Martin Smythe ) rich, for the male subjects he invited to his Paradise Resort he selected purely by gratuitous wealth.

But at the end, with success virtually within his eager grasp, he was confounded yet again by the ying and yang of nature, for while his blondes undoubtedly invoked a powerful male attraction — a force well worth harnessing for its ferocity and perseverance — it proved hard to separate the lust from the love. The Vile from the Good.

When last I saw him, he was still labouring manfully on his island resort, trying to classify both love and lust. Even to the extent of sacrificing himself to the administrations of his blondes.

* * * * * * * * *

Why should you believe this testimony I can hear you ask, for all you see before you is a broken old man.

But I was not always thus. In fact, I have seen but 35 summers. I too trained as a scientist and by the age of 29 founded a company that manufactured my own inventions in the area of industrial sewerage rehabilitation. Then I parleyed all my wealth for a visit to the Paradise Resort.

I am now lust-less, listless and nearly lifeless.

But I have my memories.

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