Skinny Fashions

Donna, Donna, please help me! I am surrounded by the most terrible, awful, horrible vileness: the latest fashions.

Have you seen the tops they are selling nowaday? Little scraps of material, held up by tiny little straps, very pretty and feminine and completely unwearable to anyone with the slightest amount of feminity, especially someone like me who had a great deal of feminity!

How do I counteract this outbreak of the celebration of unfeminity and flatness and appear fresh, vibrant and overwhelmingly feminine this summer?

Nicole the well-endowed

Dear Nicole,

Yes, darling, I do believe that there's a conspiracy in the fashion industry. When you say 'vileness', you put your finger right on the crutch of the matter. Only agents of vile could design the skimpy clothes we're being asked to wear.

Having my contacts in the media, I have reason to believe that the supermodels who appear on catwalks are actually robots designed with impossibly long legs . Have you ever wondered why they move with that strange springy motion? Have you ever wondered how real human internal organs could possibly fit in such narrow bodies? And have you ever seen a single supermodel shopping in the supermarket like a normal person? Report has it that Barbie dolls were just the scaled-down prototype for what scientists have now developed.

The whole industry is clearly designed to drive ordinary healthy women to despair. And only agents of vile want to do that! One of my media sources tells me that the New York models/robots for this coming year will feature movable navels and backwards-facing breasts. You can be sure that, whatever women try to do to make their bodies fashionable, the agents of vile will continue to make the ideal body forever unattainable. If we ever did manage to develop backwards-facing breasts (heaven forbid, imagine the compications!), they'd start expecting us to develop an extra buttock. We can't win!

No, Nicole my dear, I drink to the well-endowed body! Endowment is healthy, endowment is wholesome, endowment IS fresh and vibrant and feminine! Pardon the vulgarity, but I think the best thing to do with agents of fashionable vileness is to sit on their heads and squash 'em.

Yours in sympathy
Donna

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