21st June, 1890.

Dear Abraham Stoker,

I am writing to say that we feel unable to assist you in your enquiries. An accurate account of the life and culture of Transylvanian vampires could sweep away a great deal of accumulated suspicion and prejudice; but we have no confidence that accuracy is the goal of the novel you describe.

Apparently, you substitute a single version of the vampire for the many species existing in Eastern Europe, let alone the world. Even in our own part of the Carpathian Mountains, you might encounter Screech Vampires, Velvet Vampires and Small-Ear Vampires, as well as our own particular species of Love-Vampires.

For your information, only Serbian vampires can be killed by a stake, and only if the stake is made of ash or hawthorn. Western Slavic vampires die from decapitation, Greek vampires from cremation, Russian vampires from disposal in water. Very few vampires have elongated incisor teeth; more common is the pointed tongue of the typical Russian vampire. The notion that vampires cast no reflection in a mirror is an invention of your own, as I am sure you are well aware.

In northern Moldavia, where you locate your 'Dracula's castle', the local vampires or strigoi, would probably have red hair and blue eyes, a reliable indicator of vampirism in that area. They would certainly have the ruddy countenances of vampires everywhere, rather than the pallor you suggest. It is also possible that they might possess two hearts in the manner of many Rumanian vampires.

As Love-Vampires, we value our own ethnicity and decline to be associated with the misleading simplification you seek to impose. Please do not write to us again unless you are prepared to revise your offensive stereotyping.

Yours unlovingly,
Baron Stirk Von Phlaster